On Monday 13 June and Tuesday 14 June 2016, the parish of St Benedict's Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, ran a 2 day conference to share their experiences of successful parish renewal. Using #DR16 will get you an overview of the conference via Twitter or Facebook.
 
I wasn't able to attend in person, but I was able to participate through the Livestream video of the plenary sessions which were uploaded to the internet. http://livestream.com/accounts/6379109
 
Here follows a rough transcript of that Plenary Part 2 and then my own response to it. Why bother? Not everyone likes getting their information via video, and going through the process of taking notes and typing them up enables the message to take deeper root – and there's no guarantee how long the Livestream option will be available for.
 
This session could have been entitled 'The Marriage Course'
 
It began with a few words from Archbishop Anthony Mancini, the leader of the archdiocese of Halifax-Yarmouth in which the parish of St Benedict's resides.
 
'Thinking about the testimonies we heard at the end of the last session, it reminded me of how at the Easter Vigil we all light our little candles from the Paschal Candle by passing on the flame to each other until the whole church is filled with candlelight. That's what missionary disciples, like those we heard from, do : pass the flame of faith from heart to heart, one by one.
 
Thanks to Fr James for what he is doing in this parish, and for what he told us about compassion. The gut is where we feel compassion, but it is also where we feel anxiety, fear and nervousness – which is what I am feeling now.
 
There are not many places where 600 people gather to learn what is behind the Divine Renovation book. It is a book. Just like the Gospel comes to us as a book. They both stay as a book unless you get in touch with the experience behind the book.
 
All of us are facing the challenge of making our Church able to speak to our world in ways that will touch the hearts of people. What do we do? What can we do? The answers won't just be found in the written word, but in the lived community that birthed the book.
 
It is mind-boggling for a bishop to be here. However, the point is not for us to be in this building – but to get the hell out of this building. We have Holy Doors for people to come in, but we also need to use them to go out as missionary disciples.
 
So welcome to Halifax-Yarmouth, Enjoy your visit, and may God bless your efforts here and when you return home to your parishes.'
 
We were then introduced to Nicky and Sila Lee, the Anglican founders of The Marriage Course. You can find out more about them through Twitter : https://twitter.com/nickyandsilalee and more about The Marriage Course http://www.themarriagecourses.org/try/the-marriage-course/ and The Marriage Preparation Course http://www.themarriagecourses.org/try/the-marriage-preparation-course/ . And there's a book too: https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Book-Nicky-Lee/dp/1934564656
 
To begin their session a short video was shown that gave some background information. In 1985 they began writing the course, which started in 1986. By 2001 it was being used internationally. In 2010 it went to China. In 2011 the parenting courses began. In 2011-12 a Spanish version was released. In 2012 a version for rural Africa was prepared. In 2013 it became available in Arabic. In 2014 it received Vatican endorsement.
 
We are excited and honoured to be family together here. Fr James has visited us in London many times. The two of us met when we were 17 and 18 while we were on holiday. We are from non-church-going families. There was belief in God, but it wasn't acted up. Only on Christmas Day would we normally go to church. While at university Nicky heard about the possibility of a personal relationship with God. He was intrigued. After a couple of months of listening to talks on Christianity he came to the point of saying 'I think this is all true'. On February 14 he got Sila to come and listen to the talks too, and that day they gave their lives together to Christ. Their conversion happened about the same time as Nicky Gumbel's. From that day Jesus gave us a new freedom and depth in our friendship and love together. 2.5 years later we were married.
 
How did the marriage course begin? In 1985 we were on staff at Holy Trinity, Brompton (HTB) and were asked to take on marriage preparation in the parish. The 5 week marriage preparation course we wrote came out of our own experience, and we aimed it at a very practical level. Later on we wrote the marriage course.
 
The first course started with 3 couples. We were soon asked, 'Could my friend come too…even though they are not church-goers?' It was heartening that outsiders wanted to come and learn. We found that those that came wanted more, so the parenting children course and the parenting teens course were written.
 
Where did the vision come from? God broke our hearts for the sake of family life, and gave us a passion for marriage at the heart of family life. Some 50% of marriages break up, and it doesn't have to be like that. We have huge hope for change in couple relationships. One couple who came to the marriage course (as we found out later) had been married for 3 years, separated for the last 6 months, and had an 18 month old child. The course helped them find their way back to each other. There are 100s and 1000s of couples like that out there.
 
Conversation is the most important part of the course, the private conversation between spouses within a 'date night' atmosphere. We have seen marriages changed, redeemed, transformed and saved.
 
In some ways the marriage course functions as a pre-evangelization course. We see a lot of couples doing the course and then doing Alpha – but there are a good number who do Alpha and then do the marriage course.
 
(At this point the video tape stopped as they began to talk about how the marriage course got to China.
 
The video tape restarted with the story of how Vatican endorsement came about.)
 
It was a friendship with a 70 year old parish priest from northern Italy. He had connections with the Italian Bishops Council for Marriage, and had a passion for couples to not only be the objects of evangelization but the subjects of evangelization. In his parish the marriage course was first run in people's homes. From the success of those courses came an invitation to do a seminar at the World Meeting of Families.
 
Our vision is to turn the tide on the breakdown of marriage and family life. The only way for it to happen is through the local church.
 
Do you have any words for us gathered here today? Read 'Divine Renovation' . This is the work of the Holy Spirit. Come Holy Spirit, come and fill Your people and then release them for Your purpose of creating missionary disciples. If you are married, each week make time for a date night with your spouse.
 
Things then moved into a time of prayer ministry.
 
It is the Holy Spirit who ignites the passion of His call in us, and Who seeks to clarify a vision with us. Send Your fire into our hearts. People lose hope through hurt. God will work healing, especially among those let down, not appreciated and overlooked. Maybe there is someone you need to forgive. Can you be weak enough in your heart to say that you need Me?
 
……………………………………………………………………
 
My own response
 
Yes, I need healing for all three of those hurts. I wouldn't be alone there.
 
I know of far too many people who gave of themselves generously in Christian service over long periods of time for whom that service ended in bitter tears at a time not of their choosing, or who were given no support in the difficult transition from full time lay ministry to regular life, or who got burnt out due to lack of support and lack of pastoral care. They need healing too, and we lose too many good people because there is no obvious pathway to seek that healing. Could the Rachel's Vineyard weekends that bring healing to those suffering from abortions be a model for how to assist the healing process for those wounded in ministry?
 
It is good to hear that there is a marriage course out there, that seems easy to set up, and that works.
 
It sounds like all you need is a meeting space, equipment to project video from a DVD onto a large screen, tables set up nicely (tablecloth, candles etc) with two chairs per table, a couple to act as facilitators and a few people who love to cook preparing some food.
 
I'm thinking that the school hall of the local parish primary school might be the best location. Firstly because it wouldn't require anyone to step outside their comfort zone and go to church, and secondly because (sad to say) many of the parents of the primary school aged children are at risk of separation and divorce. They are also most likely to know of couples who need a little help in their relationships.

Before we get to the rest of Fr Michael White's and Tom Corcoran's keynote speech, it is important that I pass on to you what Bishop Peter Ingham said as part of his preamble to Morning Prayer – and which made such an impact that it was repeated by many other speakers and presenters at the conference.

It went like this: Bishop Ingham said, 'That if Jesus were with us today, I think the message He would give us is this, 'Tweet others as you would like to be Tweeted'.

Fr Michael and Tom's quest to learn from healthy churches began at Saddleback, California. This was just prior to Rick Warren, the pastor of that mega church publishing 'The Purpose Driven Life' which quickly rose to the top of the Christian best seller list and stayed there. (Ed. It is a good book, but it does contain a few ignorant digs at liturgically based churches, so if you read it do so with discernment.)

Not surprisingly Fr Michael and Tom were concerned at the reception they might receive at such a place if they were outed as Catholics. When they arrived the first building they came to was a big one, but it wasn't the church, it was the nursery. Eventually they found the church, and were very surprised to see how very plain it was on the inside, think Walmart with chairs. There was nothing fancy here at all. But the people, there was something different about them. They were SO friendly, and SO happy. And they were SO happy to see me. Anxious to find out whether this kind of welcome was the same for everyone, Fr Michael ducked out a side door, and came in through the front door, and received the same kind of enthusiastic greeting. The experience begged the question, 'What are they so happy about?'

Following this, Fr Michael and Tom visited and studied several other mega-churches and went well outside their comfort zones. 'Growth is always on the outside of our comfort zone'.

From these studies they learned three big (huge) lessons:

1. Focus must shift from the churched to the unchurched
   
   
2. Prioritise the weekend experience, 'It's about the weekend, stupid!'
   
   
3. Move the churched people to action
   
   

Change came at The Nativity parish when our focus came off those in the pews and on to those not there.

The non-attendees are your growth market. So who are they?

We didn't actually know, nor did we know how to reach them.

So we worked on a description, and called him Timonium Tim.

Tim is a great guy. He grew up Catholic, but stopped going to church soon after Confirmation. Everything he thinks he knows about Catholicism is a muddled mess. He has a stressful life. He has a long commute to work, and has three kids, who go to three different schools. Tim has a lot of debt and is living beyond his means. The financial stress is having an impact on his marriage. Tim has a crazy life, and on the weekends Tim wants some Tim-time, time to relax and do his own thing. Mostly that means going to the football game or playing golf. Tim does not ever consider going to church. If he ever thinks about church, the words boring, bad and irrelevant come to mind.

The old paradigm, 'Open the doors and they'll come' – doesn't work anymore at all.

You will never get as many people in your doors on weekdays than on weekends. Even with our Family Friendly Fridays we were getting 600 people, compared to the 1800 showing up for weekend Masses.

If someone has a bad weekend experience at church, they will assume

• That the rest of what you have to offer is equally bad
  
  
• That there is nothing there for them
  
  
• And this will lead to thinking , or confirm their thinking, that God is irrelevant in their lives
  
  

For someone like Tim, the Eucharist is not yet enough to attract him and keep him coming back.

THE most important pillars of your weekend experience are MUSIC, MESSAGE and MINISTERS.

Music has the power to transport a person on an emotional, intellectual and spiritual journey. God has bestowed on His people the gift of song. God is present whenever His people sing. Music leads us to the higher realm of things. Music can do what words alone cannot do. More than anything else music can change hearts and minds for the better.

Historically at The Nativity, the music was very bad. We had a choir Mass, a folk Mass and a quiet – no music Mass. The folk Mass was the most popular choice, but the music group struggled. Our choir was convinced that they had musical skills beyond where reality lay, and had a few prima donnas. And no one sang. No one. If you sang, we knew you were a visitor, and we would probably stare at you until you shut up. Most people were apathetic about their involvement in singing.

At one of our town hall style 'get feedback from the people' meetings there was a riot of complaint about the music.  

People were coming to church, and leaving angry because of the music.

What did we do? Nothing... Because we didn't want to offend people.

It is very difficult to change the music. To do so you must make the commitment and wear the consequences.

There are very good musicians right now in your pews, who won't step forward and haven't stepped forward because there are other musicians (usually of lesser quality) in those spots.

God gave us the courage and the grace to make changes in the area of music.

Message. Words are powerful.

This is where the relevance comes.

This is where you can give spiritual direction to hundreds of people at a time.

This is worth dedicating time and effort to.

People feel 'fed' if the homily is good.

This is especially so for Tim who is not at the stage of feeling fed by Holy Communion.

Ministers. They create a sense of destination for those who come.

We have a Host Team, consisting of greeters, ushers and people to help with parking. These people are about creating an irresistible environment for people to worship in. They help create the sense  that 'something exciting is going to happen here.'

We have a Children's Team. Parents need support. The family is where the foundation of faith is laid in children. What we want to happen is to see what Fr Michael saw once: a dad struggling to escort his son in the direction the dad wanted to go in, with the son telling him, 'Dad you just don't get it, I want to go back in the #@&! church'.

One thank you letter The Nativity received explains why this is so important.

'Thank you. We found it hard to go to church and to keep our children happy and occupied. Your kid's programmes were such that our children wanted to come back. Everyone was so helpful, friendly – and smiling. Now we know we can come to church and sit as a couple for an hour to be refreshed and renewed, and to get what we need to get us through another crazy week.'

Question to start asking yourself

• Is there something your parish is doing that is not making disciples?
  
  
• What can you do to improve the weekend experience at your parish?
  
  
• Who is your Timonium Tim or Sydney Sid?
  
  

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The next blog-post will feature the homily from Thursday's Mass at the Conference and a few other things.

To read the first chapter of Rebuilt for free, visit http://rebuiltparish.com/book/ and fill out the details in the black box on the right hand side of the screen.

Dear Parent of a child preparing for First Communion

Greetings and peace to you

I'd like to begin a conversation with you, and to find some middle ground.

It's like this, I've been helping small groups of parents and children prepare for sacraments for over ten years now.

I meet you and your beautiful children four or five times during the preparation and then if I am lucky I might meet you again down the shops once or twice again, but never in the parish church.

Mostly, but not always, you come unwillingly to the preparation sessions. Your lives are busy with work and after school activities like sport, swimming and dancing and keeping a household functioning and this sacramental stuff seems like just one more burden to be endured.

It is my task to prepare your child for a personal encounter with Jesus Christ, only begotten Son of God and Redeemer of the human race. I know from 1 Corinthians 11: 26-32 that there are very real and bad consequences to receiving Holy Communion without adequate preparation, so I have to take it very seriously. Conversely I know that there is absolutely no greater nor more wondrous gift that God can give us than Himself in Holy Communion.

Sadly most of you cannot see an immediate relevance to your life and to your child's well being of having a relationship with God anchored in this personal encounter Sunday by Sunday.

The thing is God likes to take things slow and gentle, since He wants to build a relationship with you that will last for all eternity and satisfy your every desire - and we like instant answers (thanks Mr Google) and low maintenance relationships (a la Facebook). 

That's why the sacraments can only be fully understood and appreciated in the context of a long term committed relationship with God. He Himself in the Bible often uses a marriage analogy to describe the kind of relationship He wants with us.

If you have found your experience of sacramental preparation unsatisfactory, then that's understandable because one night stands are deeply unsatisfactory on the majority of levels.

You might even have found that the people in the pews haven't given you much in the way of warm fuzzies either. Remember that they have seen many families appear for the duration of the sacramental preparation, and then disappear never to be seen again, except perhaps in the weeks leading up to enrolment for high school. There is a high likelihood that you and your family might be like them. They don't like the equivalent of one night stands either.

On average it takes at least six weeks of sitting in the same general area at the same Sunday Mass in the same parish for parishioners to work out that you are not there on holiday, and that it might be worth the risk getting to know you. Your patience will pay huge dividends, I promise you. The people sitting around you in your parish church are people whose lives have been deeply touched by God - most of them are walking miracles of His grace. If you got to know them, you would be inspired to praise God every time you saw them.

Obviously the current methods of sacramental preparation are failing to get the majority of families on the path to increasing God's relevance in their lives from 0-2 out of 10 to anything higher. So what do you think would have to happen for you to place an absolute priority on getting to Sunday Mass?

I'd really love to know.

(The Comm Box is open)

Catherine

  

In recent times several people have said that to me when explaining why they are opting out of this or that practice of religion.

So how can we respond to them? Because often we don't know what to say next.

Firstly we can all truthfully say that we are all hypocrites to a larger or lesser extent. What we do rarely matches up to what we say is important to us. Usually we don't live up to the standards we set ourselves, but that doesn't stop us trying and that shouldn't stop us from using those helps that have stood the test of time (going to church on Sundays, praying etc).

Young parents often respond with 'I don't want to be a hypocrite' when asked by a praying relative why they haven't had young Johnny or young Susie baptised.

To the initial response (above) we can add....

'You would agree with me, wouldn't you, that parents want to provide the best they can for their children. I know that you are trying to do that with young Johnny (or young Susie). The question you need to ask yourself goes like this, 'Is baptism good or bad?' To answer it properly, of course, you might need to find out what the Church claims baptism does.

If it is good, then denying young Johnny (or young Susie) something good won't be something you want to do.

If it is bad, then have nothing to do with it.

One could say that Napoleon was one of the greatest hypocrites of all. He persecuted the Church vigorously. But when it came to the education of his daughter he wanted her to have the best moral education possible. He wanted her to know right from wrong, to know the 10 commandments and the catechism - so he sent her to a convent school. What else was going to stop her behaving wantonly when she came of age? From being in the army he well knew how young women who acted like that ended up, and he didn't want that for his daughter.

So was he a good man? Probably not. Was he a good parent? I'd say, 'Yes'.

Please don't let feeling like a hypocrite stop you from being a good parent to young Johnny (or young Susie).'