Today I found myself as a lone wolf among a vocal Twitter mob talking about the fees that most Western civilization parishes charge to conduct a Catholic wedding.

It was truly disturbing to see so much ignorance about what goes on behind the scenes in preparation for a wedding, to see how sunk we are in consumer mentality rather than collaborative mission, and to see how little the time and service of the priesthood was valued. Even those in clerical office whom I expected to know better weighed in on the wrong side, which means that their parish/episcopal staff have been shielding them effectively from the nitty gritty of wedding preparation, especially the financial bits.

Here is a brilliant article which I had high hopes of exonerating me from writing about this topic: https://canonlawmadeeasy.com/2013/11/07/stipends-and-sacraments/
It includes all the canon law references that pertain to stipends for Mass offerings and sacramental celebrations. Please read it.

Let's go back to the plan of God in the scriptures.

We see Melchizedek provide Abraham spiritual services of a ritual nature, and Abraham in thanksgiving to God for the battle victory and for all else God had done for him including the post battle blessing, gave to God through Melchizedek a tenth (tithe) of everything.

We see in the offerings and sacrifices made according to the law of Moses, that specific portions of it were to be set aside for either the consecrated priesthood, or for them and their families. It was the way God designed for the priests and their families to be able to give themselves fully to the requirements of the ritual worship of Israel.

If you want to delve deeper into the meanings of Temple worship, this article by a Presbyterian scholar is helpful. https://www.fpcjackson.org/resource-library/sermons/priestly-pay-the-priest-s-portion-of-the-grain-offering

And this article on the tithes of the Old Testament is useful also, https://www.ministrymagazine.org/archive/1958/09/the-three-tithes-of-the-old-testament

Now I need you to comprehend how this tithe and offering process and the spiritual impetus behind it is very different to the crime of simony we see in Acts 8, where Simon the magician notes that people that Peter and John impose hands upon receive the charisms of the Holy Spirit. He wants to be able to do what Peter and John do, and offers them money. Simon would be set for life being able to charge for passing on these valuable charisms to others. Peter gives him a vehement rebuke.

The Church still takes this seriously, eg if an object has been blessed it can no longer be sold.

The closest thing I see to simony today is people doing 'prophetic activations' online, and charging money to be part of them. The promise is that your capacity to receive prophecy, dreams and visions etc will be unlocked through prayer. That is very different to attending a paid conference or seminar that has times of prayer ministry where such things might happen but are never guaranteed to happen, and would only happen if it was God initiated.

'What you have received without charge, give without charge' has to be balanced with 'the labourer is worthy of his hire'.

The tithes and offerings are made first and foremost to God, and then generally the tithes keep the families of priests and the temple and its furnishings and other requirements for worship (vestments, musical instruments, offering vessels) in good repair, and part of the offerings goes directly to the priests.

From this thinking comes our first collection for the upkeep of the priests and our second collection for the upkeep of the parish, and by extension the diocesan services. It isn't paying for sacraments as much as keeping the mechanisms going that make receiving the sacraments possible.

I really hope you get that distinction, because that is what underpins the thinking on marriage fees.

In a perfect world couples getting married would naturally express their thanksgiving to God for such a priceless gift. That expression could be through money, or in offerings in kind (cattle, produce), manual labour as often happens in rural impoverished areas, and given to God through both parish and priest, and also to the poor and needy. But it falls under the keeping the mechanisms that make receiving the sacraments possible thinking, not under the payment for sacraments thinking (which would be simony).

So let's look now at what goes on behind the scenes in a parish to make a wedding possible:

There is paperwork to be done to apply for the marriage certificate for the civil side of the marriage dealing with government laws and regulations. Then there is the paperwork to determine whether the bride and groom are sacramentally capable of contracting a Catholic marriage. That's why you need baptism certificates, confirmation certificates. They usually have to be verified by the parishes in which those sacraments were received. Rarely is this simple, usually it entails significant time for parish secretaries to complete. If there have been prior marriages it is even more complicated. If the paperwork cannot be verified, then the spouse to be without the verification is invited to have a conditional baptism and chrismation (Dear God we don’t know whether this person was validly baptised or not, but You do, if they weren't baptised back then open up the gift of Holy Baptism for them now, and if they were validly baptised back then, please bless them for recommitting themselves to You).

The priest is obliged to do all he can to ascertain whether both bride and groom are both able and capable of giving full consent to the marriage. Often this is done through a series of marriage preparation meetings and talks, and depending on diocesan policy attending some kind of marriage preparation course eg Engaged Encounter. Frequently this process time with the priest is the only time a couple gets to focus on preparing for the marriage, and not just the wedding, and the insights and advice are useful for a lifetime. Everything else (invitations, wedding cake, formal gear, photographer etc) is focussed on the wedding day, only this is attempting to set you up to succeed in married life.

Then there is the work to be done selecting scripture readings and hymns and which of the various options for prayers during the Mass or Liturgy of the Word are preferred.

The priest has to prepare a homily. Ditto if a deacon is presiding over the ceremony. Preparing homilies takes time and effort.
Then there is the time the priest gives to the wedding ceremony itself, getting there early, often doing part of the set-up.

These are not inconsequential commitments of time by both priest/deacon and parish staff, and it doesn't stop there.

Those doing the music have to be contacted and scheduled, they have to practice the music. They also have to submit the copyright permissions for the music chosen, and there are fees to use music depending on what kind of copyright payment mechanisms the parish already has. Popular hymns would already be paid for under parish licence, less common hymns may attract additional charges. If the musicians don’t already have the music desired, they have to pay for the sheet music. Copyright is charged whether the music if live or pre-recorded, because no matter the delivery method it is still being utilised in a public setting.

In high summer or deep winter the bills for lighting and air-conditioning will be higher, but even outside of those intense climate times there will still be light and power usage.

Altar servers may be required, and they give of their time too.

If there is a wedding practice beforehand, then that is additional time given by priest, musicians and others.

The parish also has to cover itself in case things go wrong, and that happens more frequently than you imagine. Normal things like a child spilling a drink, or throwing up, or lots of grassy detritus leftover from weddings of people from Pacific Island heritage. Someone has to clean them up, and sometimes the damage is costly to repair.

Then the other things that can go wrong include a wedding guest having a fall, breaking a bone or two, or similar calamity, and then suing the parish. Public liability insurance is no longer cheap, and the more times unfortunate things happen the dearer it gets.

For particularly eye catching chapels and churches the waiting lists tend to be longer, and in the meantime the couple can split up (and not tell the parish, it happens more than you think) or find another venue they want more (and not tell the parish, it happens more than you think), so these were the first places to ask for some kind of deposit to reserve a place on the parish's marriage calendar. If you have paid for something, you are more likely to show up, and more likely to contact a place to get your money back.

For cathedrals there might be extra costs due to forgone revenue from tourist donations when the wedding is taking place and non-guests are dissuaded from entering.

Those eye-catching chapels and churches usually have a high annual maintenance bill, and some of the 'fee for use' will go towards that bill.

Often parishes help with putting together a wedding booklet, and that alone is a time consuming task taking many hours even if working from a basic template, and even if there are no alterations and changes of mind about readings and hymns etc along the way. Add printing costs to that.

It definitely isn't free for a parish to provide the wherewithal for a marriage to take place. Expecting all of those services to be provided gratis even for a super active member of the parish is unreasonable.

Generally there is a flat fee that encompasses all these things, and in reality it is a token only and not the full cost at all. The suggested voluntary and yet expected stipend for the priest technically should be separate, but parish secretaries are pragmatic and they know that bundling things into a single fee reduces the amount of time they have to spend explaining why a fee is necessary in the first place. Explaining one is hard enough, explaining two, forget it! Let alone all of the histrionics and other verbal abuse that exudes from people stressed out over wedding preparations that such fees illicit and the parish secretaries cop.

With weddings of two practicing Catholics running at around 1 in 10, or less, you have to factor additional time educating brides and grooms with minimum understanding of Catholic ritual.

Because the knowledge of how things are done has rapidly decreased with each virtually unchurched generation, parishes were finding that the priest's stipends were not even on the radar. Even the best of us gets upset after receiving no tangible appreciation for time and effort five or more weddings in a row. In former days (many decades past) providing a stipend was just general knowledge and expected behaviour. People back then knew what amount was a reasonable offering, they don’t now. And it is not just weddings. Parishes have had to introduce the fee structure for funerals as well to ensure that the priest gets a minimum token of appreciation/stipend.

Cases of genuine hardship will always be accommodated somehow, if requested respectfully.

So what is reasonable fee wise? A lot of people are going to be putting in a lot of hours from the parish making your wedding day possible. May I suggest that you take the average hourly wage/salary of bride and groom and multiply it by 10. Even though 10 hours is an extremely conservative estimate, the vast majority of fees will be under that. Be grateful, and cheerfully give. If over, then the parish you are dealing with has high maintenance and security costs and/or a recent spate of very expensive bad experiences.

Some people have suggested taking up a once a year collection to subsidise the fees for weddings and baptisms. I suspect you will find that the user pays principle has been so embedded in Western civilisation that the average parishioner will be outraged, because the people most likely to be subsidised are obviously absent from weekly Sunday worship. It would also take away that biblical notion of expressing personal gratitude to God.
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If you still think that fees for church weddings are utterly wrong, then go and consult an expert. Contact a parish secretary, bring her (or him) a cup of coffee, ask them about why that parish has wedding fees and be prepared to listen and listen and listen as they tell you the stories behind each and everyone one of the fee decisions the parish has reluctantly had to make.

On Monday 13 June and Tuesday 14 June 2016, the parish of St Benedict's Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, ran a 2 day conference to share their experiences of successful parish renewal. Using #DR16 will get you an overview of the conference via Twitter or Facebook.
 
I wasn't able to attend in person, but I was able to participate through the Livestream video of the plenary sessions which were uploaded to the internet. http://livestream.com/accounts/6379109
 
Here follows a rough transcript of that Plenary Part 2 and then my own response to it. Why bother? Not everyone likes getting their information via video, and going through the process of taking notes and typing them up enables the message to take deeper root – and there's no guarantee how long the Livestream option will be available for.
 
This session could have been entitled 'The Marriage Course'
 
It began with a few words from Archbishop Anthony Mancini, the leader of the archdiocese of Halifax-Yarmouth in which the parish of St Benedict's resides.
 
'Thinking about the testimonies we heard at the end of the last session, it reminded me of how at the Easter Vigil we all light our little candles from the Paschal Candle by passing on the flame to each other until the whole church is filled with candlelight. That's what missionary disciples, like those we heard from, do : pass the flame of faith from heart to heart, one by one.
 
Thanks to Fr James for what he is doing in this parish, and for what he told us about compassion. The gut is where we feel compassion, but it is also where we feel anxiety, fear and nervousness – which is what I am feeling now.
 
There are not many places where 600 people gather to learn what is behind the Divine Renovation book. It is a book. Just like the Gospel comes to us as a book. They both stay as a book unless you get in touch with the experience behind the book.
 
All of us are facing the challenge of making our Church able to speak to our world in ways that will touch the hearts of people. What do we do? What can we do? The answers won't just be found in the written word, but in the lived community that birthed the book.
 
It is mind-boggling for a bishop to be here. However, the point is not for us to be in this building – but to get the hell out of this building. We have Holy Doors for people to come in, but we also need to use them to go out as missionary disciples.
 
So welcome to Halifax-Yarmouth, Enjoy your visit, and may God bless your efforts here and when you return home to your parishes.'
 
We were then introduced to Nicky and Sila Lee, the Anglican founders of The Marriage Course. You can find out more about them through Twitter : https://twitter.com/nickyandsilalee and more about The Marriage Course http://www.themarriagecourses.org/try/the-marriage-course/ and The Marriage Preparation Course http://www.themarriagecourses.org/try/the-marriage-preparation-course/ . And there's a book too: https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Book-Nicky-Lee/dp/1934564656
 
To begin their session a short video was shown that gave some background information. In 1985 they began writing the course, which started in 1986. By 2001 it was being used internationally. In 2010 it went to China. In 2011 the parenting courses began. In 2011-12 a Spanish version was released. In 2012 a version for rural Africa was prepared. In 2013 it became available in Arabic. In 2014 it received Vatican endorsement.
 
We are excited and honoured to be family together here. Fr James has visited us in London many times. The two of us met when we were 17 and 18 while we were on holiday. We are from non-church-going families. There was belief in God, but it wasn't acted up. Only on Christmas Day would we normally go to church. While at university Nicky heard about the possibility of a personal relationship with God. He was intrigued. After a couple of months of listening to talks on Christianity he came to the point of saying 'I think this is all true'. On February 14 he got Sila to come and listen to the talks too, and that day they gave their lives together to Christ. Their conversion happened about the same time as Nicky Gumbel's. From that day Jesus gave us a new freedom and depth in our friendship and love together. 2.5 years later we were married.
 
How did the marriage course begin? In 1985 we were on staff at Holy Trinity, Brompton (HTB) and were asked to take on marriage preparation in the parish. The 5 week marriage preparation course we wrote came out of our own experience, and we aimed it at a very practical level. Later on we wrote the marriage course.
 
The first course started with 3 couples. We were soon asked, 'Could my friend come too…even though they are not church-goers?' It was heartening that outsiders wanted to come and learn. We found that those that came wanted more, so the parenting children course and the parenting teens course were written.
 
Where did the vision come from? God broke our hearts for the sake of family life, and gave us a passion for marriage at the heart of family life. Some 50% of marriages break up, and it doesn't have to be like that. We have huge hope for change in couple relationships. One couple who came to the marriage course (as we found out later) had been married for 3 years, separated for the last 6 months, and had an 18 month old child. The course helped them find their way back to each other. There are 100s and 1000s of couples like that out there.
 
Conversation is the most important part of the course, the private conversation between spouses within a 'date night' atmosphere. We have seen marriages changed, redeemed, transformed and saved.
 
In some ways the marriage course functions as a pre-evangelization course. We see a lot of couples doing the course and then doing Alpha – but there are a good number who do Alpha and then do the marriage course.
 
(At this point the video tape stopped as they began to talk about how the marriage course got to China.
 
The video tape restarted with the story of how Vatican endorsement came about.)
 
It was a friendship with a 70 year old parish priest from northern Italy. He had connections with the Italian Bishops Council for Marriage, and had a passion for couples to not only be the objects of evangelization but the subjects of evangelization. In his parish the marriage course was first run in people's homes. From the success of those courses came an invitation to do a seminar at the World Meeting of Families.
 
Our vision is to turn the tide on the breakdown of marriage and family life. The only way for it to happen is through the local church.
 
Do you have any words for us gathered here today? Read 'Divine Renovation' . This is the work of the Holy Spirit. Come Holy Spirit, come and fill Your people and then release them for Your purpose of creating missionary disciples. If you are married, each week make time for a date night with your spouse.
 
Things then moved into a time of prayer ministry.
 
It is the Holy Spirit who ignites the passion of His call in us, and Who seeks to clarify a vision with us. Send Your fire into our hearts. People lose hope through hurt. God will work healing, especially among those let down, not appreciated and overlooked. Maybe there is someone you need to forgive. Can you be weak enough in your heart to say that you need Me?
 
……………………………………………………………………
 
My own response
 
Yes, I need healing for all three of those hurts. I wouldn't be alone there.
 
I know of far too many people who gave of themselves generously in Christian service over long periods of time for whom that service ended in bitter tears at a time not of their choosing, or who were given no support in the difficult transition from full time lay ministry to regular life, or who got burnt out due to lack of support and lack of pastoral care. They need healing too, and we lose too many good people because there is no obvious pathway to seek that healing. Could the Rachel's Vineyard weekends that bring healing to those suffering from abortions be a model for how to assist the healing process for those wounded in ministry?
 
It is good to hear that there is a marriage course out there, that seems easy to set up, and that works.
 
It sounds like all you need is a meeting space, equipment to project video from a DVD onto a large screen, tables set up nicely (tablecloth, candles etc) with two chairs per table, a couple to act as facilitators and a few people who love to cook preparing some food.
 
I'm thinking that the school hall of the local parish primary school might be the best location. Firstly because it wouldn't require anyone to step outside their comfort zone and go to church, and secondly because (sad to say) many of the parents of the primary school aged children are at risk of separation and divorce. They are also most likely to know of couples who need a little help in their relationships.