This part of the #DR18 Conference took place in an auditorium on the nearby university campus in Halifax, Canada.

This is a broad brush transcription. Thankfully (as at 23 Jul 2018) this video is still available on Livestream via North Broadcast Group; however the first 35 minutes are full of sound recording problems. When the sound does get settled, the wait is more than worthwhile.There's far more detail on the recording.

For a brief introduction to Carey Nieuwhof read https://careynieuwhof.com/about-me/

You can also find him on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/cnieuwhof/ , on Twitter @cnieuwhof and on Instragram @careynieuwhof .

When I was young I had a dream to drive on an autobahn. A few years ago I was in Germany and I shared this dream with my host, who graciously let me drive. I got up to 120 km/hr, then 150 km/hr and even 190km/hr – at which point I turned to my host and found him in panic. I was driving down this autobahn in a 12 year old Ford Focus station wagon, on roads for which Audi's and BMW's were designed. Do you find yourself with autobahn dreams and Ford Focus station wagon capabilities?

For the purposes of this talk I'm going to give you a bit of my back story, which we definitely won't have time for at tonight's session. My story is a story of church growth in a non-denominational context. Beforehand I was a lawyer, and met my wife in law school. In the middle of law school I experienced a call to ministry. Being in ministry creates a perfect storm.
When I was a lawyer my identity was clear. I was a lawyer by day, and a Christian too, although trying to work out how to do both at the same time. I had friends from school, and friends from the neighbourhood. What I did, what I believed, and my community of friends were largely distinct from each other.

A perfect storm is where three weather systems converge to create a weather event only seen about once every 100 years, wrecking crazy devastation to land and buildings.

The call to ministry required the relocation of our home. Now what I believe was also what I did, -a professional Christian - and where I worked was also where my community of friends was. My three streams of identity converged. Because I thought that more hours equalled more faithfulness, my family suffered.

When we visited friends from church my wife would ask, are we visiting them as friends or as pastors? I still can't answer that question. Our life was now lived in a fish bowl. Whenever I had a bad day this situation became acute, because you can't exactly say, 'I hate my parish', when all your potential listeners are parishioners.

On one hand the church was going really well, and growing rapidly. On the other hand everything else was deteriorating.

Around this time I met Reggie Joiner, one of the founding pastors from North Point Community Church in Atlanta Georgia, who our church had been consulting with. He said, come and meet my boss, a.k.a. Andy Stanley the senior pastor. This led to an invitation to speak at their 2006 conference on leadership. To speak in front of some 2500 people for me was like being invited to play in the Super Bowl. It was an incredible moment, the talk went really well.

But when I got home, I 'fell off the cliff' and depression hit. Things were great on the outside, but had fallen apart on the inside. I had burnt out. I tried to sleep more, to rest more, but nothing made me feel better. I had been cheating sleep for years, and my emotionally my tank was drained. However my relationship with God was fine.

Several weeks in to this experience and I had to admit that it was not going away anytime soon, and in fact instead of getting better it was getting worse. I had to talk to the elder board at the church because this was something I was not going to snap out of – something was broken. They suggested I take a sabbatical, but I knew if I did that I would never return, and I also knew that God's call on my life had not expired.

The healing process took months. It was tough going through the motions, but on the inside still falling apart. Very slowly, some energy and enthusiasm crept back. After 5 months I was at 60%, and after 12 months I was at 80%, but it really took 3-5 years to get back to a 'new normal'. It was pointless to aim for the old normal, because that got me to burn out. I became committed to finding a new normal that would work.

Then people started asking, 'Cary, how are you getting everything done?' You see, this new normal was a whole other gear. Encouraged by these questions I started writing down the principles I had found during this 5 year process of recovery. It resulted in a course called 'The High Impact Leader' https://thehighimpactleader.com/open-now

What is your number 1 time management challenge?
Many people find that it is an inability to focus and complete a task. Mobile phones with their beeps cause many interruptions. I keep my phone on 'Do Not Disturb' mode in my pocket. Research done on the brain says that it takes 5-20 minutes to re-focus after an interruption. Opportunities are a church-word for distraction.

The secret to high impact people is that they 'do what they are best at, when they are at their best'. Rarely do these things line up naturally, you have to be intentional about it.

There are 5 steps to getting there.

Step 1. Abandon balance.
The people you admire most are not balanced people. eg Elon Musk, Steve Jobs. They have an obsession, they are passionate people. Maybe you found someone like that in a coach or a teacher who was willing to go the extra mile because they saw something in you. These kind of people change the world. Embrace passion. Choose to embrace what you are doing with passion. The book, 'The Myth of Balance' by Frank Bealer is very good on this. To achieve balance people work on doing fewer things or less of everything – that's OK if you want life to be a retreat rather than an advance. I want to do and be my best. Have you noticed that a rested you is a kinder you?

Step 2. Stop just managing time.
It gives diminishing results because time is a fixed asset. Every leader gets the same amount of time every day, be they president, prime minister or you and me. There's a difference between being efficient and being effective. Stop saying, 'I don't have the time'. The reality is, you do have the time – that's uncomfortable isn't it? I have the time for it, I just need to make the time. Admit you didn't make the time to do x, y and z. Most of the time you have to say No. Make time for the relationships that matter. Start admitting, 'I had the time, but I didn't do this, I mismanaged my time'.

Step 3. Start managing your energy.
Not all hours are created equal. How many of you are morning people? How many of you are night owls? There are zones throughout our day when our energy is high, when our energy is moderate, and when it is low. There will be 3-5 hours each day when you are at your best and everything is working and flowing. Someone who really knew told me that even software engineers in Silicon Valley only produce 3 really good hours every day. So watch your own personal rhythms and patterns. There's no right answer, only your answer.
Not all tasks are created equal either. Of any ten job description tasks there will be some you love and some you hate. For some it is 'Wow, I can't believe someone pays me to do this'; for others it is, 'I can't believe I have to do this'.
For me, after getting up around 4-5am, I am at my best between 6am and 10am, I have moderate energy in the afternoon, and my low energy times are 4-6pm and 7-9pm.
So work out what energises you the most. It will be something you are gifted at, something that other people value and something that God consistently uses for results.
For me, communication has been my key gift. So I set aside my best hours, at least 3 days a week, for communication (writing, blogging, message preparation etc).
Since our brains lose charge a bit like our mobile phones, move to doing what you do best when you are at your best. I tend to do my emails late in the afternoon, or exercise, or both, during my low energy times.

Step 4. Stop Reacting.
No one will ever ask you to complete your top priorities, they will only ask you to complete theirs. It's just true. Each ask is asking for their priorities to become top. To combat this you need to decide – ahead of time – who you will and won't meet with. Most of us spend 80%- of our time on stuff that produces 20% of results. It would be better to spend 80% of our time on what will produce 80% of our results.
Monday is usually fire brigade day to fix all of the weekend's problems; the microphones that didn't work, the musician who turned up late and unrehearsed etc. What happens? 1) Your people time gets spent on low productivity and low reward situations. 2) The people who are yielding 80% of your results get none of your time.
So spend your time with the high yield people who are not the problem. By doing this you will get them from 'good to great' and from 'great to amazing'. Let the 20% go, it obviously isn't working out for them, encourage them to serve in a different ministry or with someone else. These people drain your day. After you have spoken to your top performers, how do you feel? You feel great and energised.

Step 5. Decide how to spend your time before others decide for you.
Schedule time to do what you are best at when you are at your best. Work on a fixed calendar. Is your August 2020 planned out? Mine is. Life is a series of repeated events. Mondays and Wednesdays are writing days. Tuesday and half of Thursday are meeting days, between 9am and 3pm; this forces efficiency. Meetings are the enemy of work.
I had to cancel many breakfast meetings, because that was my best time, although once in a while I will schedule some on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Saturdays are for the wife and kids, it has family written on it. That way if someone asks you if you are free on Saturday (so you can do something for them) you can say quite honestly that you have a prior commitment. Friday night is date night and Sunday night is rest and relax.

Leaders who achieve the highest level of impact do their best when they are at their best.

Question and Answer session

How do you lead when you are not in charge? Read the book with that title by Clay Scroggins on this topic. Most bosses like to hear the Why behind the What. Even if in your work week 20 hours are already proscribed, you still have control over the rest of them. Focus on what you can control, not on what you can't control.

Balance. If you are making great choices, take sleep really seriously.

Was your burn out like a dark night of the soul? It took lots of very deep prayer and counselling etc to get through it. I have only recently learned to give thanks to God or my burn out.

How do you schedule team meetings if not everyone is a morning person? It isn't a perfect world. We ended up getting biorhythm studies done on all our team members. Office work hours were based on a factory model where the production line stopped if everyone wasn't there. Give your staff as much freedom as you can. Try to schedule meetings in everyone's mid-energy zones. If that doesn't provide the solution, meet in the middle between your high energy zones and theirs.

Where are you doing it, your work? Where I can work without distractions. Know yourself; where do you thrive? For me it was setting up a home office. Multi-tasking equals no-tasking, especially for men.

What about that bottom 20%? They do need care, but whose care do they need? Does it have to be yours? If you don't lead the top tier, they will go somewhere else.

What about funerals? Some pastors have a gift for bringing people closer to God at funerals and weddings, I don't. So funerals are not a strategic use of my time. I only ever do them for important people in my life. But then again, most of my congregation is young. If your congregation has 200 people or less, you can probably manage funerals ok. If you have more than 200 people, you either have to outsource it or staff around it. Think about who else could do it. Does it have to be you?

You can't respond to all pastoral requests. You need a system. Small groups that keep looking after each other are one way to get ordinary pastoral care to people. When you look at the big names in mega-church land it is never a one man show, it is a team of people with a leader. Where you get the true one man show is in the small churches with less than 200 people.
You can find out more about how to set up a system at https://www.breaking200course.com/enrollment-is-open and learn about Breaking 200 Without Breaking You.

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Below is a printer-friendly version of this broad brush transcription. It is 4 x A4 pages long.

Share it around, discuss it with friends and co-workers, and do at least one of these things to improve your impact for the sake of the kingdom of God.

In recent weeks our family has experienced the death and funeral of Betty Olive Cavanagh nee Hunt, 9 Feb 1931 - 20 Jun 2018. Having promised many people that I would make her obituary available online, that is what I hope to do in this blog-post, as well as add in some photographs, some extra written material, and downloadable links to her funeral booklet, prayer card and a video-clip of her speaking about her life. 

Here is the obituary as printed in her funeral booklet. The family decided to print it rather than speak it, because a) we wanted to do her life justice b) many people find it hard to hear all that is said in a spoken eulogy and c) people can read it (and re-read it) at their own pace.

Obituary
​Betty Olive Cavanagh 9 Feb 1931 – 20 Jun 2018

Betty entered our world as the eldest daughter of Joseph Bede Hunt and Enid Noble in 1931. Her father at the time of her birth was a shunter with the NSW Railways. Bede's father was a blacksmith at Moorilda near Bathurst and Enid's father was an engine driver at Cowra.
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When Betty was born, her parents were living at Enfield near the railway marshalling yards, very close to Enid's parents who were also by that stage living at Enfield. Bede then got a move to Bathurst, and for some reason Betty remained in the care of her maternal grandparents and maternal aunts and uncles. Perhaps the reason was that they didn't want to be parted from her, and all of us can relate to that! Perhaps there were concerns about the rates of tuberculosis in Bathurst. 

Siblings Elaine and Bill followed, but they always lived with their parents. Bede received moves to Cootamundra, Narrandera and Belmont, and eventually back to Enfield, where the family made their home at Lidcombe.

At school with the nuns Betty was happy. With the Children of Mary sodality she received good spiritual formation and a devotion to St Maria Goretti.

Betty left school at age 15 and began work as a mail delivery person at Hodgson & Co. at Ashfield. From there she moved into admin, working firstly on a half-ledger and later on a full ledger, being promoted regularly until she was looking after the ledger accounts for a single commercial traveller and entrusted with face to face over the counter interactions with customers.
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It was in this 'front of house' role that she was noticed by Robert Cavanagh (a.k.a. Toby) as he came in to deliver the mail. She was not interested, but he had seen how special she was and he was persistent. Upon discovering that she liked to go swimming, he made sure that he tagged along the next time she went to the pool with her relatives. Their first official date was soon after 'chicken in a basket' was a menu option and they had that and went to a movie, had a memorable day together and from then on the relationship blossomed. Toby won over Betty's
siblings and her Noble relatives, but her mother was a different story. Enid wanted someone with more prospects for her daughter. 

Love found a way, and they were married on 2 Jun 1956, and after their honeymoon they lived with Toby's Mum and siblings at Summer Hill. Their son Paul arrived around 9 months later, and their daughter Maria around 5 years after that.
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It was in 1961 that Toby and Betty came to live in Umina Beach, and Toby began operating the first Woolworths store in the area. 50 years later Betty was given the honour of cutting the ribbon to open the new Woolworths store at Umina Beach.

Back in 1961 they attended Sunday Mass at the cinema at Ettalong until the Sacred Heart Church at Umina was opened in 1964.

In the mid-late 1960s Toby was working at the (then new) shopping centre at Grace Bros, Top Ryde until he was head-hunted by Jim Dickson to run and hopefully eventually own the mixed business in West Street, Umina. Such were the desires of this young family until ill health and the discovery of digestive tract cancer reduced his life span, coming to a close on St Valentine's Day 1969 after multiple surgeries and an extended stay in Hornsby hospital. This left Betty a widow with 2 growing children dependent on her, and the loss of their dream of building their own home.

She did not know how she was going to cope with the responsibilities that now rested solely on her shoulders. Benefactors like Dr Frank O'Brien assisted with the expenses of school fees, and the family stayed in rented accommodation until the owners wanted to sell the property, and then they moved into a holiday cottage at Umina Beach owned by Bede and Enid, where Enid's sister Madge was living at the time. Enid expected and received regular rent payments.

Somehow she survived the acquisition by her children of all sorts of pets including Labradors and guinea pigs, but never cats – felines and Betty shared a mutual dislike. She survived the challenges of children with broken bones, appendicitis and eye operations. She survived their teenage years with associated romantic heartaches and watching a business venture crumble as the great recession of mid-late 1980's hit. How? By lots of prayer, the support of extended family, and offering up of each new difficulty as an act of mortification for the Holy Souls in Purgatory.
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Sometime between 1968 and 1969, when Fr Michael McCarthy was around, she got roped into becoming the sacristan at Sacred Heart Umina, setting up vestments and vessels for regular Masses and funerals and doing copious amounts of ironing of sacred linens. He bailed her up against one of the walls of the school and said that the couple who had been setting up for Mass (presumably at the cinema) were getting on in years, and she was much younger. Even after the Sacred Heart Umina property was sold in 2007, she continued to assist in the preparations for Saturday morning and Saturday vigil Mass, and to take home linen corporals and purifiers to wash and iron right up to the weekend before her palliative radiation treatment started. This meant that she served at Sacred Heart, Umina Beach from soon after it opened until it closed. 

She narrowly survived the calcification of a stent intended to temporarily fix an issue with the bladder back in 1993, losing one kidney in the process that was probably malfunctioning all through her life. Maybe it was this scare that made her so obedient to following her doctors' instructions, or maybe she just loved to imitate the obedience of Jesus.

Truthfulness was another virtue – but only supplied when the answer to the questions people asked her required it. Working out the right question to ask, now that was the hard part.
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The evidence of the power of her prayers with God is impressive. God decided to answer the lengthy prayers of a mother concerned about the happiness of her son at the same time as He decided to answer the lengthy prayers of a lassie
seeking a good and holy husband in a way that a sequel to the Book of Tobit could be written. Then when the family wanted to put on a special celebration for her 75th birthday, she didn't want that at all, she prayed, and lo and behold a spot opened up for her to have a gall bladder operation requiring that her birthday be spent in hospital – a story to rival St Scholastica's. You noticed that stubborn streak did you? Good.

Her happiest days in later life came with the arrival of her two grandsons, and the affection between them was profound and mutual. Going on pilgrimage to Rome, the Holy Land and Medjugorje with them during the Holy Year of 2000 was another highlight. Further joys came with regular get-togethers with her siblings and their spouses, and when her brother Bill and his wife Cecilia moved to Ettalong around 2009.

Betty supported her children Paul and Maria with her prayers, presence and practical help when they both went through surgery and further treatment to remove cancer – thankfully not at the same time, but a few years apart.

Because she knew the One in whom she trusted, her first recourse when any need presented itself to her was to take it to prayer. If there was a situation she wasn't happy with, she didn't add her opinions to the mix, instead she took them all in prayer to the One she knew could fix any situation. This made her an
unparalleled mother-in-law. This same quality made her the confidante of many, even of complete strangers who would sit next to her on the bench while she waited for the rest of the family to complete their grocery shopping.

Her other special ministry was liturgical in nature. Daily missal in hand and with clear voice she would take her part in saying the Entrance and Communion antiphons at Mass and in making sure the Lamb of God prayers were begun at the right time. She was the go-to-gal for anyone unsure of which set of Proper prayers or set of readings was the correct one for that day's Mass. With unfailing patience she got everyone who turned to her for help onto the right page. Each morning she took part in the Morning Prayer of the Church, and frequently joined in the
communal recitation of the Rosary after daily Mass.

We thought she would be with us for much longer since her father lived till 94 and her mother to 101, but after 49 years of widowhood God decided that it was time to prepare her for the longed for reunion with her dear ones in heaven. This took the form of an aggressively growing oral cancer, paired with the double whammy of advanced age and lone kidney.

It took these difficult final weeks when her strength was fading to uncover just how good and patient a listener she must have been for her many friends over the years because a pattern became apparent that most of them had the 'gift of the gab'.

Her lifetime of 'offering it up for the holy souls' and understanding of the value of 'acts of mortification' bore fruit in the way she gently accepted the increasing bad news about her health and squarely faced all the medical tests and treatments recommended, as well as her increasingly larger dependence on nursing assistance. 

Keeping records neatly was something she excelled at. In her diary she would note down the time of day and priest for each Mass she attended – even the 'Mass For You At Home' broadcasts early on Sunday mornings, and times of phone calls and medical appointments, all in her trademark capital letters. Cousins and nieces and nephews were never forgotten, she kept in contact with them and never missed sending a birthday card. She enjoyed reading, especially about the lives of holy people, and doing puzzles, always solving the ones at the back of her TV Week magazine.

Up until 31 May 2018, the diocesan patronal feast day of Our Lady, Star of the Sea, she was at morning Mass every day, but from then on the decline in her health began in earnest. 

She loved to pray the ‘Stay with me’ prayer of St Padre Pio, and this was answered in a wonderful way in her last days, as her last three Holy Communions were given with 1/4 of a host, the last 1/4 consumed by her son Paul a few hours after she very gently breathed her last, as she wished, at home in her sleep.

May God grant her a merciful judgment and an extraordinary reward. Amen.

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Her friend, Beverley, wanted to say something at Betty's funeral, so I promised her that I would put it online instead:

A voice rings out in the Church. It is the voice of Betty Cavanagh. She is saying the Entrance Antiphon Prayer as Father is walking in to our Church for Morning Mass. We join her but only a few have a missal. Betty also says the Lamb of God prayer after the Lord's Prayer and I join her in the Communion Antiphon. She is my mentor and my friend. For ten years she has been guiding me along God's path. There is so much she knows about the Church Year and often she would turn around to see if I had the right page. Her seat, in front of me is empty now, and I miss her, especially our hug.
My dear friend, au revoir.
Beverley.

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​The homily at her funeral, which I have no hope of doing justice too, was given by a former parish priest, Dr John Hill, and he spoke about how only the strong are able to be meek, and how only the strong are able to forgive, and how those that the world doesn't give a second glance to are most precious in the eyes of God - because their whole intent is on pleasing Him.

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Some year's back, the parish priest at the time devised a form for parishioners to fill in so that the parish had a record of their wishes for readings, hymns, internment, funeral options etc, and the back page had a biographical section.

Betty filled out the front page, and the back page, but could never decide which readings and hymns she wanted.

We found that back page after her death, and include it here because it is in her own handwriting and in her own words:

So what did we end up choosing for her funeral readings and hymns? and Why?

The first reading from the prophet Micah, about the simple things needed for us to please God, had been a family favourite and reminded us of the direct simplicity of Betty's relationship with God.

The psalm, Psalm 94(95), is the one Betty prayed every morning in the Prayers of the Church, a.k.a. the Divine Office.

The second reading from St Paul's letter to the Philippians was for the feast day of St Romauld, 19 June, and was read for Betty at her last Holy Communion, when it felt so completely apt for that moment.

The Gospel from St Luke is about the holy people in the Temple who waited for the Messiah, particularly the woman who was widowed young and spent the rest of her days serving God.

Hymn-wise, 'Gentle woman, quiet light' is as good a description of Betty as it is of Our Lady, as she definitely tried to live out her consecration to the Mother of Jesus each day, and that became the opening hymn.

Betty loved the hymn Panis Angelicus, especially when Lyn Dwyer sang it, so that was an obvious choice for Holy Communion, and was followed by a favourite of many, Soul of my Saviour, as the post-Communion hymn.

Betty liked that at Nina's funeral on 30 May 2018, a good friend of hers, they had the Salve Regina (Latin version of the Hail Holy Queen) as the last hymn, and we liked it too. It is also the anthem to Our Lady that closes Night Prayer for people around the world, and what the priests of our diocese sing as their final farewell to one of their own.

Here's a copy of the funeral booklet, if you would like to read them in full:​

And if you would like to hear Betty talking about her life in the interview her grandson did with her back on 7 May 2018 soon after the medical news confirmed that the cancer was stage 4 and inoperable, it takes about 18 minutes: 

After all that, there's a chance you might like to have a prayer card to put in your bible, missal, prayer book etc, to remember her by. So here's a downloadable version: